Help Unwanted

Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee ( or a bag of crack) and kick your shoes off… I’ve got another adventure in ‘The Life of Dwayne’… aka ‘Maintenance Man’.

What? Yeah – let me introduce myself. I’m a ‘maintenance man’ (aka: a Handy Man , Jack Leg , or Part-Time Native-English-Speaking Un-incarcerated Construction Type Worker). I do service work for small businesses, commercial property and (here’s where most of my agony comes from…) rental property.

Background: I’ve been trying to find a part time helper… someone who can help me out on weekends. Nothing major;  just someone who wants / needs some part-time cash… not a full-time job. Not an ‘official’ part-time job… just some extra money. You know – like 10,000 people claim they want right up to the point when they actually have to get out of bed & show up.

Scenario: I have a job that needs some general, un-skilled labor. Just the kind of thing where IF you can put your socks on without suffocating you can probably make it through the day and get paid. (Providing you don’t get athlete’s foot on your eyes or something…)

Anyhow – fast forward: I saw an ad on CraigsList for *drumroll please…*: Student laborers who wanted work! (Remember that word… ‘work’.)

I thought: “Cool – some students who need some extra cash, don’t want a full time job etc… just some quick beer money.”

Responded to one of these ads that specifically mentioned them being local college students who were LOOKING FOR WORK… so I offered them some work. Got no response at all. Zero. Zip. Nada. Nothing.

CraigsList students looking for work.Ok – why the hell did you post an ad saying you were looking for work? What? Yes… That’s right. I did say ‘WORK’.

I guess their response (had I gotten one) would have been “Oops. Sorry! We meant that we are LOOKING FOR work… but we don’t actually want to do any. Can we get paid now?”

Ok. I get it. They were just LOOKING for work. I’ll just move on to someone else or do it myself (as usual) but first let me post a gripe about this stupid crap on CraigsList.

(Big. Mistake. #1.)

Now I’m getting emails from *cough* ‘workers’ who have ten thousand reasons why I should throw money in the air just to ‘give them a chance’ since their probation officer thinks they really should probably think about getting a job soon so they’re not put back in jail for failure to pay restitution if they manage to get out on bail in time to work by payday.

One guy who sent a random ‘Hire me I’m sober! And out of jail this week!’ email was at least honest enough to tell me that while he doesn’t have a license to drive he has paid a lawyer to work on it!

Well. That’s all I needed to hear! Welcome aboard! (Not.)

Effing-idiots.

Keep in mind: I did NOT even post a ‘Help Wanted’ ad! I had posted in the CraigsList gripe section just to vent about people advertising there who claimed to want work – but who won’t actually respond when they are offered work.

Fast forward to an email I got from another guy who, at first glance, seemed reasonably balanced or at least was taking his medication. Deluded fool that I was I thought his initial email sounded halfway coherent.

(Here comes Big. Mistake. #2.)

I thought to myself: ‘What the heck.” & sent him a reply noting that his email sounded good, that it seemed like we were on the same page and that I was tired of looking for helpers & getting responses from people who didn’t have transportation or who would need to be bailed out every Monday morning.

Pro Email Tip!Like most businesses; my business emails all have contact phone numbers listed at the bottom of each one but “Bob” (Let’s call him “Bob”, ok?) somehow missed those numbers (THANK GOD!)… along with several other clues that he wasn’t gonna make the cut.

Here now follows “Bob’s” unedited email response exactly as he sent it including onegiantsentencewithlittlepunctuationorcapitalizationandhedoesn’thaveacar.

Without further adieu… I give you ‘Bob’:


Number one you did not send me your cell phone number number 2 I don’t drive I have no license but my work speaks for itself that’s why people come and pick me up I never miss work ask for references you can call -deleted business name- on -deleted street address- ask for -deleted fool’s name who hired me before- he is the owner of it and I’m working for him at this point in time and have worked for him for years no need for me to give you my references other references because they all I’ll tell you the same thing I’m worth my money don’t mean to be tooting my own horn but your message was just kind of blunt and straight off the cuff so with all that being said I saw what you put on Facebook I mean Craigslist and you were griping because you can’t get somebody to work well you got a man here it’ll be there every day for you A lot of the stuff you said in your email I don’t know about but I’m not stupid I can learn with all that I thank you for getting back with me and I hope to hear from you further have a great evening and a good week


Weep for me. This is why I work by myself even when I need a helper.  Need Cash for Alcohol Research

( Originally posted to FaceBook – September 30, 2016 )

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